Blog | by ReDDVoice
An inspirational story about overcoming domestic abuse
I met a woman today at a local coffee shop that I frequent. A makeup artist by trade, she was very attractive and in her mid to late 40's. We had a very provocative, mind-blowing and inspiring conversation I felt the need to share. It started out with her asking me to help her with some editing, as she was writing for an assignment in a class she’s taking. After helping her revise her wording, she thanked me and we began to talk about my work as a freelance writer. Perhaps I had established trust with her earlier by asking her to watch my belongings while I went to the ladies room. Also, for some reason, I seem to attract people who feel comfortable being transparent with me about their life story. The conversation would soon get very interesting.
I don’t know how we got on the subject about men initially, but I shared the articles I just completed writing based on my interview with entrepreneur/motivational speaker, Joel Wiggins, called “
Restoring the Man” and the upcoming sequel, “A Fisher of Men.” I shared with her some of his viewpoints on how the family should be restored with the man and how a man dresses impacts his image and self-esteem. She began to tell me how much she admired her dad, a retired military man, who was a great example for her growing up as a young woman. She shared how, even to this day, he opens the car door for her, never allowed her to take out trash, always dresses well and is the epitome of what a man should be. I was excited to see her eyes light up when she spoke about her dad. It was nice to hear since my own father spent most of his life in prison and wasn't a good father figure for me. Although divorced and remarried, her dad still took the time to be a part of her life and she says this has shaped her as a woman today. The conversation took a dark turn as she began to talk about her relationships with men!
She shared how she’s now on her 4th marriage and that all of her husbands were/are abusive! From physical to mental abuse, she has endured so much in her quest to live a have a happy life. Unfortunately, she hasn’t had much luck. Jokingly referring to herself as a “cougar”, she began to tell me about her current marriage to her 33 year old husband, a military veteran who is extremely abusive to her. He has a MBA and works for the federal government here in Atlanta. She shared how she felt he was "crazy" and talked about his family history of mental illness. In fact, his mother has been in a mental institution since he was 5 years old. What captured my attention was her vivid description of her abuse. She gave shocking details about how her husband has even sodomized her a few time and she's awakened in extreme pain. Unapologetic, he excuses his behavior because she will no longer have sex with him. Also, she explained how he’s addicted to porn, how she suspects him of cheating and how he is very controlling to say the least (reportedly only giving her a $30 bi-weekly allowance for food and gas). I had to chuckle when she referred to him as a “minute man” and how she found 3 bottles of performance enhancement drugs in their home (and they’re not having sex-hmmm). It seems their on-and-off again relationship for the last 12 years has taken an ugly turn over recent years. She even had him arrested and a protective order issued a few years ago for physically hurting her daughter (his step-child), enough to require medical attention on her back. He was ordered to undergo counseling and to continue paying the mortgage during their separation. In desperation, she had to apply for food stamps to help feed her remaining 3 children still living in the home (2 being his step-children). She even shared how he once had his friend come over to disable her air conditioning unit outside their home because he didn’t want her to enjoy staying in the house he was ordered to pay for. All this while her 8 year old son had just undergone open heart surgery in the middle of the summer!
At this point, I was stunned! She caught me completely off guard, as I didn’t expect to hear such talk from someone I had just met! I was just there to use the free WiFi, was in a bad mood and didn't care to interact with anyone today. Well, after listening attentively, I stopped her and shared my testimony. I, too, had been married multiple times (3 to be exact-LOL) and have been in abusive marriages with military men. We seemed to have a lot in common. However,
because she opened the door, I had to give it to her straight! There was more to it than what she was telling me. I asked her bluntly, “So why are you still going through this with men? Why did you let your husband come back to live?” I was not being judgmental but I’m not naïve enough to base my opinion on just her side of the story, as I'm sure her abusers would have a different variation. She said that because of her husband's relationship with his mom, he seems to really hate women! But rather than to focus on him, I challenged her with some thought-provoking questions. I then asked, “With a father like the one you have, why do you tolerate men who treat you the opposite of what he showed you?” She looked puzzled. Not getting a direct answer from her, I took the time to share with her how I sought domestic violence counseling years ago and discovered how
I was the common denominator in each of my abusive relationships. That in order to heal, I could no longer take a victim approach. I explained how I took the steps to end the cycle of abuse by different men. I said,
“I had to find out what is was about ME that kept attracting these type of men in my life.” Her eyes lit up with anticipation of hearing my testimony. Like her, I was vivid and went on to share how I began to look at my own self-esteem and how
it wasn’t until I started believing that I was a Queen—a woman worthy of being treated with love, care and respect—that I started attracting men who felt the same. I sensed a sigh of relief in her demeanor when she realized that she was speaking directly with someone who has been through the horrific things that she had been going through. I knew that by being transparent in sharing my testimony, she could someday also break that cycle and take better care of herself and her children. This has had a huge impact on them as well. She thanked me and explained her plans of divorce. I gave her a stern look and suggested that she prays and considers making some decisions soon if she wanted to see changes,
starting with herself.
Because we were gaining an audience with another coffee customer who sat at her table, I asked her to end our conversation. However, surprisingly it ended on a very positive note. She said,
“I’m just like a rubber ball and every time he knocks me down, the harder he knocks me down, the higher I bounce back up! Even though he keeps knocking me down, God just keeps blessing me. God has blessed me with a car so that I can get around and I am now closer than I’ve ever been to finally getting him out of my life!”
While she seemed convincing, I only pray that she
bounces back before it’s too late and she gets deflated. Domestic abuse is a serious matter and being married with children makes it even more complicated.
What I got out of the conversation are two things: 1) I now have a new friend and 2) My personal experience with domestic abuse was not in vain. I thank God for allowing me to minister to this woman.
Only God could have put me in the same place at the right time with someone who not only shared my experience with domestic abuse, but the similarities relative to our military background, our multiple marriages, experiences with mental illness and even our name-was amazing! Yes, her name was Wanda too!
Funny Side Note: I hope that this rather long blog has helped someone today! I’m just being obedient-I was not allowed to rest until I shared it! Please feel free to LIKE/SHARE/COMMENT
To God Be The Glory!
If you or someone you know needs help, call 911! Also, you can get help with agencies like the
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence @ 800-799-7233 Open 24/7
(This blog is available for syndication by written consent only)
