"Double Mind"

Short Story | Fiction | by ReDDVoice

According to a passage in the bible (James 1:8), the term double-minded was used to describe a person who is "unstable in all his ways." However, no consideration is given for people with mental illnesses, such as bipolar. In fact, this common mood disorder has many similar characteristics. The treatment is not as simple as living the ideal Christian life. Unfortunately, the symptoms may require medication, hospitalization and psychiatric counseling. For one survivor, getting help was almost too late. After overcoming a crisis that nearly ended her life, Sharon shares her story with a group of women at church.

Sharon's Testimony...
"I was not diagnosed with bipolar until I was in my late twenties. Before that time, I knew something was wrong, but thought having two minds was just a curse..Something I could never quite get used to, but I didn't know what to do about it but pray. Part of me was happy and outgoing. While the other side of me was dark and depressing. Because I was confused about what was going on, I hid my condition."

In Sharon's church, mental illness was not something they usually talked about. She felt ashamed when the pastor preached about double minded Christians in the church. She often asked herself: How can I love God, but sometimes I hate myself? How can I be willing to serve Him and follow His ways one day....Then the next day I want to give up and die? Her mind was a battlefield and she was losing the war.

Sharon continues, "One day I was triggered into a deep depression after getting fired. I worked for that company for 14 years, and lost all faith that I would be able to get another job before my bills were overdue. And at this point, I didn't even care. Several weeks had passed. I had been isolating myself in my house, not even coming to church on Sundays. You see, I was real good at covering up and I even lied to the pastor and a few church members that I was working a lot and couldn't make services. I felt so alone and was growing more and depressed each day. Some days I didn't even bother to get out of bed, eat, bathe or brush my teeth. I received an eviction notice, but had no where else to go. Bill collectors were calling and sending overdue notices in the mail. After a while, I just stopped taking calls and bothering to check the mailbox. The world was crashing down on me and I just kept saying where's God! I thought he left me so I gave up!"

At this point of her story, Sharon had the women on the edges of their seats. They were shocked by her transparency but hadn't heard the worst of it. Sharon went on to explain her decision to end her own life. She told the graphic details of that awful day when she held her gun underneath her chin and pulled the trigger. It was a miracle that she survived. The bullet, which was still lodged in her head, missed her brain but damaged her entire left side of her face. She spent two weeks in the hospital as doctors performed several surgeries in an attempt to repair the damage. She looked like a monster. Her appearance would never be the same.

Healing Shattered Pieces...
After spending a few weeks in the hospital, Sharon was transferred to a mental hospital for psychiatric care. When she was checked in, her head and mouth were still covered in white bandages...exposing only her swollen lips and bloodshot eyes. She could only whisper softly when spoken to, holding her mouth with a towel because she constantly drooled. The other patients kept starring at her, wondering what happened to her face. Some rumors were circulating that she was a victim of domestic violence, while others just assumed she was in a car accident. Despite her appearance, everyone tried to show her love. The first week, Sharon was too depressed to speak. But after a couple of weeks, she was making progress with her treatment plan. She started making friends and even felt good enough to share what she had gone through. It was then that she realized she wasn't alone. She was amazed to learn there were several other women there who had bipolar and a few who had also attempted suicide.

Finally, Sharon was cleared to go home. She was greeted by her mother and some of her church family, who had gone over to clean her house in preparation for her return. Her pastor and his wife were also there for support. Sharon's recovery would require extensive surgeries to repair her ugly face, but she has to take medications for the rest of her life to help regulate her moods. Despite her conditions, she is using her tragedy to affect positive change. Because of the testimony she gave to the women at her church, they have now included mental health awareness and counseling as part of their ministry. Sharon's faith has now been renewed. No matter how it appeared, God was always with her. She now knows that because of His grace and mercy she was able to tell this story and save others who are battling with mental illness. Sharon is now an inspirational speaker and bipolar advocate. Although when people look at her, they see evidence of her pain, it is this experience that actually saved her life.