ReDDVoice is a Freelance Writer who shares a compilation of her poems, short stories and interesting commentary. (Intellectual property warning - Duplication of content by permission only)
Psychiatric counseling is a great resource for people suffering with mental illnesses. Self-care, which is usually underrated, should also be part of the treatment plan. However, mental health consumers should also be encouraged to get involved with supplemental activities that will enable them to take better care of themselves. I have included several tips that I found to be very helpful.
5 Tips For Self-Care:
1. Writing/Journaling ~ Dedicate time each week to write! Many have found that putting your thoughts on paper can be quite therapeutic. Consider writing a book or in a journal. Not only do you have a chance to express yourself candidly, but writing can also provide opportunities for you to share your experiences with others even when you don't feel like talking.
2. Respite Centers ~ Find a local center near you and visit often! Take advantage of the peer-led workshops that are designed to provide some necessary tools you will need to take better care of yourself. Most respite centers also provide temporary housing for mental health consumers who don't need hospitalization, but just need a mental break or desire to remove themselves from triggers that may threaten their recovery.
3. Meditation/Prayer ~ Take time from daily distractions and focus on clearing your mind! This is not the time to dwell on the past or negative experiences. However, through prayer and meditation, you can connect with your higher power and recharge. Many find that reading their bible or reciting daily affirmations also helps.
4. Grooming ~ Take time out each day to care for yourself! Even when you aren't planning to leave the house, it is very important to keep up your hygiene. While it may seem like a simple task, many find it difficult to even brush their teeth and bathe when they are feeling depressed or experiencing a crisis. Neglecting these tasks could possibly lead to other health issues, such as UTI's and gum disease. When you're able to, treat yourself to a hair cut or a mani-pedi. You will be amazed at what these can do to boost your self-esteem.
5. Healthy Diet ~ Eat balanced and nutritional meals daily! Some foods like sugars can have a negative impact on our bodies in many ways, especially our brain. Meals that include high Omega-3 fatty acids, like salmon, appear to actually help brain function. If you are taking medications, make sure you have an understanding of their side effects and which foods to avoid. Because many medications cause other health issues, speak with your doctor about lab testing to monitor your body functions before and after starting new prescriptions.
According to a passage in the bible (James 1:8), the term double-minded was used to describe a person who is "unstable in all his ways." However, no consideration is given for people with mental illnesses, such as bipolar. In fact, this common mood disorder has many similar characteristics. The treatment is not as simple as living the ideal Christian life. Unfortunately, the symptoms may require medication, hospitalization and psychiatric counseling. For one survivor, getting help was almost too late. After overcoming a crisis that nearly ended her life, Sharon shares her story with a group of women at church.
Sharon's Testimony... "I was not diagnosed with bipolar until I was in my late twenties. Before that time, I knew something was wrong, but thought having two minds was just a curse..Something I could never quite get used to, but I didn't know what to do about it but pray. Part of me was happy and outgoing. While the other side of me was dark and depressing. Because I was confused about what was going on, I hid my condition."
In Sharon's church, mental illness was not something they usually talked about. She felt ashamed when the pastor preached about double minded Christians in the church. She often asked herself: How can I love God, but sometimes I hate myself? How can I be willing to serve Him and follow His ways one day....Then the next day I want to give up and die? Her mind was a battlefield and she was losing the war.
Sharon continues, "One day I was triggered into a deep depression after getting fired. I worked for that company for 14 years, and lost all faith that I would be able to get another job before my bills were overdue. And at this point, I didn't even care. Several weeks had passed. I had been isolating myself in my house, not even coming to church on Sundays. You see, I was real good at covering up and I even lied to the pastor and a few church members that I was working a lot and couldn't make services. I felt so alone and was growing more and depressed each day. Some days I didn't even bother to get out of bed, eat, bathe or brush my teeth. I received an eviction notice, but had no where else to go. Bill collectors were calling and sending overdue notices in the mail. After a while, I just stopped taking calls and bothering to check the mailbox. The world was crashing down on me and I just kept saying where's God! I thought he left me so I gave up!"
At this point of her story, Sharon had the women on the edges of their seats. They were shocked by her transparency but hadn't heard the worst of it. Sharon went on to explain her decision to end her own life. She told the graphic details of that awful day when she held her gun underneath her chin and pulled the trigger. It was a miracle that she survived. The bullet, which was still lodged in her head, missed her brain but damaged her entire left side of her face. She spent two weeks in the hospital as doctors performed several surgeries in an attempt to repair the damage. She looked like a monster. Her appearance would never be the same.
Healing Shattered Pieces...
After spending a few weeks in the hospital, Sharon was transferred to a mental hospital for psychiatric care. When she was checked in, her head and mouth were still covered in white bandages...exposing only her swollen lips and bloodshot eyes. She could only whisper softly when spoken to, holding her mouth with a towel because she constantly drooled. The other patients kept starring at her, wondering what happened to her face. Some rumors were circulating that she was a victim of domestic violence, while others just assumed she was in a car accident. Despite her appearance, everyone tried to show her love. The first week, Sharon was too depressed to speak. But after a couple of weeks, she was making progress with her treatment plan. She started making friends and even felt good enough to share what she had gone through. It was then that she realized she wasn't alone. She was amazed to learn there were several other women there who had bipolar and a few who had also attempted suicide.
Finally, Sharon was cleared to go home. She was greeted by her mother and some of her church family, who had gone over to clean her house in preparation for her return. Her pastor and his wife were also there for support. Sharon's recovery would require extensive surgeries to repair her ugly face, but she has to take medications for the rest of her life to help regulate her moods. Despite her conditions, she is using her tragedy to affect positive change. Because of the testimony she gave to the women at her church, they have now included mental health awareness and counseling as part of their ministry. Sharon's faith has now been renewed. No matter how it appeared, God was always with her. She now knows that because of His grace and mercy she was able to tell this story and save others who are battling with mental illness. Sharon is now an inspirational speaker and bipolar advocate. Although when people look at her, they see evidence of her pain, it is this experience that actually saved her life.
It was the late nineties in South Korea and a young woman named Seo-yeon (pronounced su-yun) had to face a family tragedy. Her maternal grandmother committed suicide by hanging herself. She decided to take her life after the Asian Financial Crisis which caused an economic recession. Her grandmother, like many elderly back then, didn't want to be a further burden on the family to care for them. Old and sick, she had become depressed during a time when mental illness had a strong negative stigma. The loss was truly a blow to this close knit family.
A few years later, Seo-yeon made the decision to leave and move to the U.S. with the remaining money she had left. She had family in Hawaii and decided to move there. After what happened with her grandmother, she brought her mother along to make sure she could take good care of her and keep her close. The move would prove to be a blessing and a curse as Seon-yeon starts fresh in a new country.
Life in America...
Seo-yeon became part of a welcoming Asian community on the island of Oahu. Through networking she found out about a program at a bank that provided loans to small business owners. Seo-yeon had big dreams and wanted to open her own Korean restaurant. She had a true passion for cooking, a gift she learned from her mother as a young child growing up in Seoul, Korea. She wanted to bring the flavors and recipes of home to her community. With the help of a cousin, she found a prime location in downtown Honolulu and her efforts had soon paid off. Her restaurant became one of the busiest in Hawaii. Every morning on their way to work, passersby could catch the delightful smell of kimchi spices coming from Seo-yeon's restaurant, as she and her team prepared for the lunch crowd. Locals raved about the Korean BBQ and authentic dishes.
Over the next several years, Seo-yeon would open up several more locations throughout the Hawaiian islands. She even studied the local culture and added favorite dishes onto her menu. Life was going great for her until tragedy would strike her family again. Her mother, who had been helping her in the restaurant, died suddenly of a heart attack. This really took a toll on Seo-yeon, as she had never quite gotten over the loss of her grandmother. She felt somewhat guilty for not knowing that her mothers health had been failing. Truth is, her mother had been having chest pains for quite some time but didn't complain about it because she knew her daughter needed her. The heart-broken woman was so saddened by the death that she started to question her life and whether all of the sacrifices were worth it. She would now be forced to slow down and take time away from her restaurant businesses to take a trip home and bury her mother back in South Korea. She was to make a a fateful decision whether to sell her restaurants by the time she returned.
The Dreaded Trip Home...
The almost ten hour flight from Honolulu to Seoul was a restless one for Seo-yeon and her cousin, who accompanied her. Unable to get much sleep, she sat in her window seat, gazing over the beautiful view of the Pacific Oceon. The closer she got there, the more she noticed the city had recovered from its recession and things looked so much different from when she was last there. While in town, she visited a family member who said she had something to give her. It was an envelope. A letter addressed to her from her late grandmother. The letter read:
"Dear Seo-yeon,
I instructed that you received this letter only after your mother had passed. I knew that you would feel alone and may be searching for answers. I am sorry that I left you. and I hope that you don't hate me for my decision to leave. I'm getting old and fragile now and suffering with many health issues and no longer want to be a burden. Please know that I am only doing what I feel is best at this time. I want you and your mother to have the opportunities that I didn't have and the kind of happiness in life that you deserve. Don't give up on your dreams! Remember when we used to talk and you said you always wanted to be have your own restaurant one day? Don't let go of that goal and never stop dreaming. Please don't let my death be in vain. I Love You!"
A New Journey...
The letter touched Seo-yeon and lifted her spirit. Although she was against her grandmother's decision to end her own life, she now understands why. She also understands some of the abandonment issues that attributed to her never finding love over those years. Well, now instead of letting her negative experiences define her, she can return back to her new home and focus on enjoying her journey by letting go of the past.
After Seo-yeon returned to Hawaii, she met a local man who later became her husband. In a romantic proposal, he had asked her to marry him in front of her customers and staff. A few years later, she got pregnant and they had a beautiful son together. Although she had to close down one of her restaurants to spend more time with her family, she never gave up her dreams as a Korean chef. She spent the rest of her years enjoying life and making sure that her employees did the same. She later wrote a recipe book, which included her memoire. It was titled, "Seoul Ties."
When you think of a "trap queen", you don't usually picture a woman like Tonya. Although she was raised in the projects in D.C., she was the epitome of those who make it out of the hood and move away to accomplish the most out of their lives. She was all brains and beauty, with a high IQ and a body like Halle Berry. After high school, she went off to college in New York, where she earned a degree in Finance. In a failed attempt to start a new life there, she married and divorced her college sweetheart, who was a stock broker. They had all the trappings of success, but he worked so much their marriage didn't last. It was a painful breakup, and she later retuned to her hometown to put the pieces of her life back together. Now at age 25, she was divorced and starting over. She moved back in with her mom, who was now staying in Oxon Hill, Maryland, a suburb just outside of D.C. They didn't live in the best of neighborhoods, but she knew this was only temporary. Getting back on her feet became a real challenge. She had a problem finding work. Either the jobs in her field were already taken or she was over-qualified.
She was struggling. Even with the money she received for spousal support, it just wasn't enough to afford a place of her own. The plan was to stay with her mom for only a few months, but like New York, the cost of living was real high. She still had college debt and credit card bills to pay, not to mention the payments on her BMW. After six months, just as Tonya was starting to lose faith, she managed to find job as a cashier at a local grocery store. A friend helped her get into a place. She moved into a townhouse not far from her mother. It wasn't what she wanted, but she was thankful. She had a job, her family and her health. But in her heart, she was missing one thing...companionship! She may have been smart, but she had poor taste in men. It had been almost a year since she had even been with a man. But that soon changed when she met Mike, a man who would change her life forever!
Meeting Mr. Wrong...
As a cashier, Tonya met many people throughput her day at work. There was one guy, who was a regular, and she noticed he came through her line almost everyday. Mike was very nice looking, but not really her type. Although he was always dressed nice, she could tell he was a little hood. He had a swag that reminded her of the thugs she grew up around, living in the D. C. projects as a child. The kind of guy she vowed to never get involved with. Whenever he came in, she tried not to make eye contact, but he would just keep staring at her. One day when she was getting off work, she ran into him in the parking lot. And it just so happened that Mike was parked right next to her. As he approached his Mercedes, she smiled and quickly turned her head, but he was already standing next to her car. Wow! He is pretty bold, she thought as she slowly let down her window. He apologized for the intrusion and explained that he kept looking at her because he thought she was a woman he knew. They exchanged pleasantries and by this time she was more relaxed. They continued talking and Mike seized the opportunity to give her his number.
In the following weeks, she couldn't help but think of him often. He had been out of town on business so she hadn't seen him around at work. She located his number and decided to give him a call. As she dialed his number, the phone began to ring and she started to have regrets. Just when she was about to hang up, he answers. Recognizing her voice he says, "Well, hello beautiful!. It's nice to hear from you!" They talked on the phone for hours. He invited her to go grab a bite to eat and she accepted. They agreed to meet at The National Harbor, a popular riverfront development overlooking the Potomac River, just outside of D.C. After dinner, they strolled together on the boardwalk...getting to know each other better. She was very forthcoming. She told him about her life and why she moved back home. He, on the other hand, talked about his businesses, but he left out a few minor details about his type of work...He failed to mention that he was one of the biggest drug dealers in D.C. Over the next few months, they went on several dates together. He wined and dined her, taking her to places she had never been. She was impressed by him, but she was accustomed to being with men who had money. However, he was looking for a trophy wife. He knew she was just the type of woman he wanted in his life, beautiful and vulnerable. He needed a new "trap queen" and Tonya was just the perfect victim!
Falling In The Trap...
After dating for several months, Tonya thought she was in love! Mike had already set the trap to catch her. And as fate would have it, she got news that her ex-husband was no longer going to be sending her money. Soon the support that she depended on to help finance her livelihood was no longer available. The money she made as a cashier wasn't going to be enough to pay all her bills. Mike seized the opportunity to help. He offered to move in, reassuring her that she wouldn't have to want for anything. After giving it some thought, Tonya agreed. But she had no idea what she was getting into. He had even convinced her to quit her job. Mike wasted no time moving in and taking over. He bought her new furniture, paid her bills and still continued to take her out on extravagant dates. Everything was going great until one day she came home to find something she never expected to see. As she went down into her basement to wash a load of clothes, she noticed four big plastic bags filled with money. Shocked, she closed the bags and ran back upstairs. Her heart was pounding so fast she thought she was having a heart attack! She didn't know how to approach him yet, so she decided not to mention what she saw. Several weeks passed and she would see another red flag. Mike said he had to go out of town again on business but she noticed the bags in the basement were gone. It didn't take her long to figure out what he was up to, but she was now too scared if she addressed it that she would loose him and the lifestyle she felt she deserved.
One day after Mike left for another business trip, there was a knock at the door. There stood two men in suits. It was the FBI! "Is Michael Williams here?", they asked with serious looks on their faces. She answered no and with her boyfriend out of town, she didn't know what to do. The agents asked if they could search the house. She didn't want to appear guilty. And she thought since the bags were no longer in the basement, she didn't see a reason not to let them in. But somehow they knew exactly what they were looking for. They walked around the house looking for Mike, then headed straight to the basement. She followed them. Soon, another vehicle pulled up and they joined the agents in their search. "What are you looking for?", she asked. Ma'am, we have reason to believe that this is a trap house and we're looking for drugs!", they replied. Shocked, she headed back upstairs to call Mike but his phone was dead. She went back down to tell the officers to leave but by this time, they had already found the drugs which were hidden behind the ceiling tile. "That's not mine!", she yelled. But it was too late. "Ma'am, we're going to have to arrest you for possession and drug trafficking." It was a nightmare! Mike was nowhere to be found and Tonya was left to take the fall. How could he do this to me, she thought.
Taking Her Crown...
The handcuffs were cold and painful. She didn't resist but she was still in shock. As Tonya rode in the back of the police car, her life flashed before her eyes. So many thoughts came to mind. How could I have been so stupid? How did I miss the warning signs about Mike? Why didn't I confront him about the money? What's going to happen to me? What are people going to think? The reality was setting in. She was now being depicted as a "trap queen", and no one believed that she was not involved. How could she not know that her boyfriend was a drug dealer?...Who would believe she didn't know there were ten kilos of cocaine in her basement? She was not going to take the fall so she agreed to cooperate with the district attorney to testify against Mike, who was still at large. She was released on bail and returned to her house. A move that would prove to be a deadly one.
A few days after returning home, Tonya heard a loud noise coming from the basement. Terrified, she called the police, grabbed a knife from kitchen and headed downstairs to see where the noise was coming from. What she found was disturbing. It was someone trying to get into the house. Mike was on the run, but thought the drugs were still in the house. He had sent one of his goons to get the drugs. Mike had found out about her testifying against him and wanted her dead. He wanted to keep her from testifying against him. Afraid for her life, she swung the knife, striking the killer in his throat. Dripping on the walls, blood had gushed out everywhere! She got scared, dropped the weapon and ran upstairs. As she came up the stairs, she was met by another masked man who was holding a gun. Tonya fell to the ground, pleading for her life. But before she could try to run, he shot her in the back of the head twice, killing her instantly. As he was trying to flee the house, he was confronted by the police. "Drop your weapon!", they yelled with guns pointed. He didn't comply and they shot him several times in the chest. When they went to put the handcuffs on him, they removed his mask revealing his identity...It was Mike! They transported him to the hospital, where he later died of his wounds. Tonya fell into a trap of a life that she couldn't escape. Perhaps it was her naivety...Or just her need to be taken care of by rich men. However, she may have made it out of the hood, but it eventually came at a high cost...Her life!
Sometimes you just want to die!...As terrible as it sounds, the truth is...this is exactly how many people feel...Despite our best efforts to stay positive, there are just things that happen in our lives that make us feel hopeless!...The scars from the past can be invisible, but the cuts are still there...There are days when you just cry...Days when you just don't want to get out of bed, brush your teeth or even bathe...You try isolating yourself so that no one can see what you're going through...because you can no longer pretend that everything is OK...You feel life is not worth living, so you'd rather take the easy way out...In your mind, death is inevitable!... And you become your own judge, jury and executioner!
Suicide By Cop...
This was such the case for one young woman who had given up and no longer wanted to live...She had tried therapy and medications, but nothing seemed to really help...She was so overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness and despair that she would often result to cutting her wrist with a razor to relieve the pain...But the feelings will always come back...She was so consumed with self-hatred and negative self-talk that would often cause her to spiral out of control...She was tired of being haunted by the demons of her past...So she came up with a way to end her suffering...She would die by the hands of a cop!...While this plan was not well thought out, she knew she was too much of a coward to kill herself...She had tried suicide a few times in the past, but was unsuccessful...This time, her plan was to let someone else to do her dirty work...She was going to call the cops with a false report of someone trying to assault another person with a gun...She knew that if she called 911 with this story, the police would show up with their guns out and ready to shoot!...She would then point her gun at them, hoping they would kill her in defense...She picked the perfect day...A day when she would be home alone and no one else could interfere...
It was 3pm on an average spring day...She sat in silence at her kitchen table, holding the phone in one hand and a 38 revolver in the other...Contemplating the dreaded call, she starred at her cell phone and slowly dialed 9-1-1...Like she had anticipated, the police showed up in full force!...Knocking loudly on her door..."Police, open up!", they yelled!...When she opened the door, she could see the intensity in their eyes...They entered her apartment and asked who made the call and the location of the assailant...She confessed that it was her, revealing the gun in her hand...Immediately the officers raised their weapons and demanded that she drop hers...A few seconds passed, but it felt like eternity...And in that moment, she got scared and raised the gun to her own head...One of the officers realized that she was distraught...He felt her desperation and had experienced similar calls like this where people, who want to die, try to use the cops to carry it out for them...Luckily for her, he had received special training in his unit on how to deal with mentally ill patients...While his partners covered him, he lowered his weapon and began to talk her down...He begged her to give him the gun...After much convincing, she eventually complied...She was taken into custody and an ambulance was called to transport her to the hospital for evaluation...She was put on a 10-13 psychiatric hold and transferred to a local mental health crisis center...
Wounds of the Past
She confessed during treatment that as a child, she was molested by a cousin...Then as a young girl, she was molested by her stepfather...She carried that pain with her throughout her childhood...Because of this exposure, she became sexually active very early, often having sex with much older men...At age 16, she dated a 26 year old man who beat her and later kidnapped her by knife point when she tried to break up with him...At age 17, she married a 21 year old Marine, who also emotionally and physically abused her...By the time she was 22, she had been abused by every man in her life...To add insult to injury, she was even raped by a couple of them...This experience shaped her as a woman and affected her relationship with men...Despite her efforts to move on, the pains of her past were like scalpel incisions on her soul...The kind of wounds, if left untreated...could leave deep, permanent scars...
During her recent crisis, she had been haunted by these memories...And history was repeating itself all over again...She was now 22 and married to her second husband...She didn't really love him at the time, but he offered her the security she thought needed at that time in her life...She was blinded by his kindness and willingness to take care of her...Like her first husband, he was also in the military...And after she moved away with him, she discovered he was not too different from the others who had hurt her in the past...He became so verbally abusive that at times she preferred a beating over his constant belittling and bullying...She was far away from home and felt she had no one to confide in...This treatment and constant abuse in her life triggered her feelings of hopelessness...And actions that almost ended her life that day...Her demons were defeated by the Angels who were watching over her... Thanks to God's grace, she can now start the healing process of dressing those old wounds... forgiving those who hurt her...and learning to love herself again...One day at a time...
There are several negative connotations associated with the term "black rose"...Death is one of them...In contrast, it is also known to be symbolic of hope!...The flower's color, which is actually a dark red, is often associated with the color of blood...For a young woman called Rose, the term depicted both sides of her life...A testimony that hope can be restored after a traumatic experience...
Rose lived in a suburban city in Georgia, just outside of Atlanta...After 20 years in the healthcare industry, she was making good money and living the "good life", but she was still unhappy!...She owned a beautiful home in an affluent subdivision, where most of her neighbors were doctors and lawyers...Recently self-retired, Rose now owned several medical billing companies and coding certification training facilities throughout the metro Atlanta area...Because she had a stellar reputation in the medical industry, starting her own business at this point of her life was the perfect career path...She knew a lot of people and could now put her M.B.A. and practice management background to good use...Only now she could reap all the benefits instead of making the physicians rich!...Never getting over the trauma of her past, she found solace in her work...Unfortunately her happiness was short-lived when she ran into the doctor she used to work with...After all these years, he had still been working in healthcare and they were attending the same medical convention...The encounter hit Rose like a ton of bricks and brought back emotions of fear and anger she thought had put to rest...
Twenty Years Earlier...
While Rose was completing the requirements for her Bachelors degree in Healthcare Adminstration, a college friend told her about a doctors office that was possibly hiring and would accept her as an intern...It was a huge general surgery practice with several locations...She made an appointment for an interview and met with the HR manager first...After the interview, she was invited to meet with one of the partners...He was a surgeon...The epitome of tall, dark and handsome...And according to the nurses, he always smelled good...He was also rich, single and used to getting what he wanted...The women in the office constantly drooled over him...As soon as he entered the room, Rose was immediately attracted to him...His quiet arrogance was a turn on...He had performed surgery that morning and saw a lot of patients that day so she noticed he seemed a little distracted...However, he had a lot of interesting questions...He was impressed by her answers and gave his feedback to the HR manager...Her three month internship was accepted and she was told to report to their downtown office the following Monday...She was to assist the managers with their daily administrative duties...She was also responsible for getting the coffee each morning for all of the doctors...
Over the next several weeks, she showed up each work day, doing as she was told...Like a sponge, she caught on quickly and didn't waste any time proving her value to the management...She had even caught the attention of the handsome doctor, the one who interviewed her...Each morning when she brought him his coffee, black with two sugars, she would greet him with a smile as she placed his cup on his credenza in his office...Usually he was too preoccupied to notice her...but one day he stopped what he was working on, turned around in his plush leather office chair and asked Rose a question, "Do you think that I'm arrogant?"...Intimidated by his bluntness, she paused then replied, No, sir...I think you're a great doctor!"..."But that's not what I asked!...I want you to be honest!", he rebutted...She took a deep breath and gave it some thought, "Well, I think arrogance is somewhat necessary in your line of work...You have to be really confident to go cutting up on people, right?"...He looked up at her, amazed by her response and said, "Why, I think that is one of the best answers I've heard all day!"...Finally he felt someone had stood up to him enough to be honest...The following week he asked Rose out to lunch...He claimed they were going to discuss her future with the company...However, this wasn't something that was normally done outside of the workplace...but of course, he was one of the owners so he pretty much did what he wanted...Feeling obligated, Rose accepted the invitation...He arranged a car service for the following day...After waiting all afternoon with anticipation, she finally received an inter-office call from him around 3:30pm...The doctor was running behind from a difficult surgery that morning...But the two were planning to go on a late lunch...Well, she grabbed her purse then took the elevator to meet him in the lobby...Upon entering the Towncar, she noticed there were glasses and a few bottles of wine...I thought this was a business lunch, she said to herself...Noticing that she was a little nervous, he poured her a glass of wine and said, "Here take this and relax!...We both had a long day...Go on, we deserve it!...Lets toast to hard work!"... After she finished her drink, he poured her a second one...By this time, she was feeling pretty buzzed...She did something she normally wouldn't do and that's drinking on an empty stomach...She was ready to go to eat as he had promised...But unbeknownst to her, he had other plans...What happened next would cast a lasting black cloud...
The Violation...
The doctor said, "I need to get out of these scrubs...I'm going to have the driver to stop by my place so that I can change clothes....And while we're there, I can fix you a sandwich...I make a mean B.L.T.!"...Rose was too hungry to turn away food...In her mind, if she could get some food in her stomach...then perhaps she could sober up a bit... She nodded OK and followed him into his townhouse, which was only 5 minutes from their office downtown...When he returned from his bedroom, he entered the kitchen where Rose was sitting...He put his hands on her back, rubbing his hand back and forth in a sexual way...She felt uncomfortable but he stopped and got out the ingredients to make her sandwich...As she finished her food, he offered her another glass of wine but she refused...At this point she couldn't help but think about her escape...She wondered, where is the car service?...Are they still waiting outside?...She soon realized that he had sent the driver away...He claimed that he asked the chauffeur to return later, but this only heightened her fear!...She didn't know that she would soon become his victim...
While she sat in the chair, he grabbed her from behind...What ever he put in her drink paralyzed her...Rose had no control over her movements...She could see him on top of her but she was totally powerless...Over the next few hours, he repeatedly raped and sodomized her...When he finished, he put her in his BMW and drove her home...Helping her to her front door, he pulled out her house keys from her purse and let her in...She wobbled over to her couch where she stayed until the next morning...She was glad that it was Saturday and she didn't have to face him again in the office...She decided that day that she would not report or ever speak of the incident again...That doing so would ruin her reputation at the start of her career...She also knew that no one would believe her...She knew he would somehow blame her and tell people that it was consensual...Although still distraught, she returned to the office on Monday...She only had a few days left to go, but she was happy to learn that the doctor had already signed off on her internship paperwork and she didn't have to finish out the rest of the week...That was his way of making sure she went away quietly...She cleared her desk and practically ran to her car, checking to make sure he didn't follow her...
The Black Cloud...
After the traumatic experience, Rose spiraled into a deep depression...Despite her efforts to move on, she had given up hope that her life would be different...She kept playing the sexual assault in her head over and over again, blaming herself for what happened...She couldn't believe that someone she respected could be cruel enough to violate her like that...She felt she had no one to confide in and just wanted the pain to go away...She had some prescription pain pills in her medicine cabinet...She stood in the bathroom, counting off fifteen pills....swallowing them one by one with a glass of water...She knew she was in trouble and had reached the point of no return....In a moment of regret, she picked up the phone and called her friend and told her what she had done...Her friend called 9-1-1 and they admitted her to the hospital, where she had to have her stomach pumped...Besides being raped, this was one of the most traumatic experiences of her life!...She gagged and vomited as the ER staff attempted to put a thick plastic tube down her throat, all the way into her stomach...They then poured a black charcoal solution down the tube...At this point, she wondered why no one was trying to console her...If only they knew what she had gone through, she thought...The only person that was nice to her was the orderly who had to keep changing out her bedpan, as the charcoal ripped through her bowels and came out the same way it went in...After she was stabilized, she was transferred to the hospital's psychiatric unit...While she did admit to being raped, she did not reveal the perpetrator...When the doctors felt she was no longer a threat to herself, she was released to follow up with outpatient care...
Rose continued her treatment, undergoing years of counseling for PTSD...She had accepted her fate, but she never forgave him for what he had done to her...But now after all these years, she would have to face him again...But this time the ball was in her court...She knew that forgiveness was the only thing that had been holding her back from being all that God had called her to be...Her business, her personal life...were all being affected by what she had gone through...It wasn't until this chance encounter that her life would forever be changed...She would finally get the opportunity to release what had been eating away at her soul...He had aged a lot in 20 years, but she could never forget those eyes...When they crossed paths, he pierced his eyes at her, not knowing what to expect...She quietly starred backed at him then softly said, "You know what you did to me, but I forgive you!"...Shocked by her statement, he stood there, holding his pamphlets in one hand...reaching out his hand with the other...He then said, "I am so sorry...I don't know why I did that to you, but I am truly sorry!"...Something came over Rose that day, as she was no longer afraid...For the first time in years she felt a calmness of peace come over her...It was a peace that surpassed her understanding but she knew it was God...She no longer felt the dark cloud that never seemed to go away despite her success...Rose went on to get more business contracts and running several successful companies...A few years later, she got news the doctor had retired but later died in his sleep of a heart attack...While she felt bad for his family, all was good with her soul...She only prays he made peace with God!
A Chance Meeting...
It was the late nineties and talent show night at an officer's club on a military base in Hawaii...My husband was deployed, living in Japan, and it had been a while since I had been out besides work...But my girlfriends, who were military officers, invited me and talked me into joining them as one of the judges of the contest...I had been a little depressed and hoped by tagging along, I could take my mind off of my failing marriage...Before my husband left, our marriage had taken a turn for the worse...He had been both mentally and physically abusive to me and I finally had the courage to leave him...It had been three months since I had written him a "Dear John" letter, asking for a divorce...That night, I thought, I'm going to have fun!
There were several acts who performed, but there was one group in particular that stood out...They sang, "Only You", a song by then popular R & B group, "112"...They were the best out of all the other acts so we voted for their group to win...After the show, the lead singer approached me to thank me personally...It wasn't clear to me at the time why he had singled me out...Perhaps he could tell I was fresh meat!...After speaking for several minutes, he decided to take a chance and ask for my number...I didn't feel comfortable giving out mine, but I agreed to take his information...The next day, I decided to call him...We talked on the phone for hours!...What a nice guy, I thought...Unlike my husband, he was so easy to talk to and seemed very interested in me...I was vulnerable and he knew just how to say all the right things...I was hanging on his every word...He admitted that he had two kids and was separated from his wife, who was living in another state at the time...I had no reason to doubt him...In fact it made our bond even stronger...We had a lot in common...We were both planning to divorce our spouses...After only 3 weeks of courting, we fell madly in love!...But there was one problem...We had to keep our affair a secret...His career was on the line and we knew if word got back to his military command, he could get court-martialed...Or worse, get demoted in rank!...As a military policeman, he knew the risks...But that didn't stop him!..In just a short time, he had swept me completely off my feet!...He was everything I thought I was missing in a relationship...And until then, the thought of falling in love with another man had never crossed my mind...He showered me with lots of gifts and attention...As often as we could, we would secretly meet up to spend time together...We created a secret code that only we knew...We called it "112" in memory of how we met...And whenever we met at a hotel, we would request room 112...Taking things to the next level, we even got matching tattoos of the Hawaiian state flower infused with the same number...
The Weekend Getaway...
We were growing tired of having to sneak around so we planned a romantic weekend getaway...We were traveling to Maui, just an island hop away from the island of Oahu where we were both stationed...We were driven to the airport by one of his military buddies, whom he had sworn to secrecy...Excited with anticipation, we held hands as we cuddled in the back seat...Soon we were in the air over the Pacific Ocean, enjoying the amazing view of the Hawaiian islands...Maui was just a 30-minute flight and before we could even finish our refreshments, we saw the plane was preparing to land...After we picked up our rental car, we headed to the hotel...Compared to where we lived, there seemed to be more beautiful mountains and less people...To us, it was just refreshing to be where no one knew us...It was our paradise away from home...After checking into the 5-star hotel, we enjoyed a delicious buffet brunch, which was located on the hotel's beachfront patio...It was a huge Hawaiian-style spread, so much food we didn't even know where to begin...The view from our table was just amazing...Only a few feet away, we could see the ocean and hear the relaxing sound of the waves crashing on the beach...We sat there watching quietly for a few minutes while enjoying our meal...Stirring his coffee he says, "Hey, let's go back to the room and rest up for tonight, baby?"...He gave me that look and I knew that was code for let's get this weekend started with some good loving followed by a good nap!...Well, we were certainly on the same page..."I'm ready when you are, babe!", I replied...I wanted him as much as he wanted me...Our reunion was well overdue...It had been weeks since we had been together...
As soon as we entered our room, he removed his shirt...He grabbed my arm and escorted me to the bed...There, he removed my shoes, followed by my sundress, bra and panties...Preluding with a passionate kiss, he then began massaging me from head to toe...He performed oral sex and I was on cloud nine!...It was almost as if I had been possessed...Or maybe it was just that it had been a long time since I had experienced so much passion...Unlike my husband, this guy always knew how to please me....After much foreplay, we made love until we were so exhausted, we both fell asleep...Hours passed by...We finally woke up around 7:00pm...just in time to get showered and dressed for the evening's plans to attend a Luau at a restaurant nearby...We made it in time to get a good table...The island food and the entertainment were amazing!...After enjoying a few cocktails...I wanted to go walking together on the beach...After removing our shoes, we held hands tightly as we strolled through the sand in the direction away from the restaurant...Before you knew it, we had drifted far away...Perhaps it was the alcohol talking but I said, "I have an idea!...Let's have sex on the beach!...I've never done that before and I've always wanted to!"...And he was happy to oblige!..."Hey, I'm down!"...And after searching for the right spot, we found an empty tent...It appeared that someone had left it there by mistake, but in our minds, it was the perfect location to carry out our mission without being seen...We didn't want to get caught...but the risk heightened our adventure...I sat down and lifted my sundress as he guided my head back gently on the sand...Our hearts were pounding as we tried to stay hidden...It was amazing and frightening at the same time!...But just as we were getting into it, we heard voices approaching..."Oh no!", I whispered with a giggle..."Someone's coming...we better get up!"...We both jumped up, re-adjusted our clothing and started walking back on the beach...As another couple passed by, we pretended as though nothing had happened...We both looked at each other and started laughing..."That was close!", he said...But I bet they're probably going to go do the exact same thing!"...I laughed in agreement!
We returned to the Luau...By this time, everyone was starting to leave...They were closing soon but there were a few people still hanging around after the show, dancing and drinking...We danced off one song then decided to call it a night...When we returned to the hotel, we took a quick shower...Since our last attempt was interrupted, we decided to finish what we had started on the beach...After washing the sand from my hair, I began to caress his muscular physique as the water poured over it...I then placed his fullness in my hand and pleasured him with my mouth...After we showered, I slipped on the white hotel robe...He went over to the sink and poured me a glass of wine...He then escorted me to our oceanfront balcony...positioning me in front of him, as he wrapped his arms around my waist from behind...Without speaking, we both just embraced the moment, gazing at the moon and stars...After a few minutes of silence, I turned to look him in his eyes and said, "I am so happy!...For the first time, we can be together without having to hide!...Here, we can just be ourselves and enjoy our love without worrying that someone might see us!...I love you so much and can't wait until the day comes when we don't have to deal with that anymore"...He put his hand on my cheek and said, "It's coming, baby!...I love you too and I promise you...that day will come real soon!"...Little did he know, he was wrong...We were too blinded by our love to truly understand what that meant...The sacrifices that we'd both have to make in order to stay together...For now, we just wanted to enjoy the time we had...
I went inside to put my wine glass on the table...When I returned, I noticed he had sat down on a chair in the back corner of the balcony...I sat on his lap and we embraced in a passionate kiss...I still had on the robe...And I was naked underneath...He gently raised up my robe and began kissing me on my back...He continued kissing me, up and down my spine...I was so over-joyed with excitement, I didn't even care who heard me...As I put him inside me, I let out a loud moan and turned his lap into a bull ride!..."Shhhhh!", he whispered..."Let's take this inside"...We returned to the bed to finish our night off with a bang!...Exhausted, we fell asleep again in each other's arms...We spent all day Saturday at the beach, sightseeing, eating and shopping...The entire weekend was amazing, but when Sunday came around...Our romantic mood was replaced with anxious thoughts of returning to our realities!...Check-out time was 11:00am and we had a flight to catch back to Oahu...I had to pick up my boys, who were staying with a friend...He had to return to his officer's quarters..Or so I thought!
The Proposal...
A few weeks had passed...We had only talked by phone and we had not seen each other since our Maui trip...We were missing each other terribly so we made plans to meet up at a hotel in Waikiki, which was on the other side of the island...After checking out, he invited me to follow him to a secluded restaurant nearby...During lunch, he said he needed to see me again soon!..."I've been invited to dinner and I want you to come."...It was at a friend's house, a Latino couple he knew...He reassured me that I didn't have to worry about them telling our secret...Besides, the host was one of his military buddies whom he trusted with his life...On the day of the dinner, I reluctantly drove out to meet him in Kailua, a small town not far from our military base...When I arrived at the condo, he greeted me at his friend's door...He was so glad to see me, he embraced me with a long hug and kiss...As I entered, I could smell the delicious aroma of Cuban food...He escorted me by the hand and lead me back to the kitchen to meet the couple, who were sitting at the table...They embraced me like family and offered me food and drinks...Soon, there was a knock at the door and more guests had arrived...It was my two best friends, who were the only people I had told of the affair...After dinner, he said he had an announcement to make...Caught off guard, I starred at him in confusion...Before I knew it, he had gotten down on one knee and pulled out a small black box...I sat in the chair, paralyzed with anticipation...Tearing up, he said "Baby, YOU are the woman I was meant to be with!...YOU are the sunshine of my life and I want to prove to you that I am serious about our future together...I don't ever want to lose you and I want you to be in my life forever...This ring represents my promise to make you my wife!"...As tears run down my cheek, I accepted his proposal...I couldn't help but wonder to myself...Am I dreaming?...Am I moving too fast?...Was he the answer to my prayers?...Was this the man God meant for me?...The soulmate I should have married instead of the man I now want to divorce?...He placed the beautiful 1-karat platinum ring on my finger...the same place my wedding ring used to be...Our friends, who were so happy for us, hugged us and gave their blessings...He had planned this surprise engagement dinner and wanted our close friends to be there to share in our special moment...
Trouble in Paradise...
Several months had passed and it was time for my husband to return to Hawaii after being away for 6 months...Unfortunately, one of my friends had confided in her husband about the engagement and told him not to tell...But somehow word of the affair had already gotten back to my husband while he was overseas...He had called and asked me about it, but I denied it...Of course, he didn't believe me...Besides being a major blow to his ego, he hated that my lover out-ranked him...My lover was a Captain, while my husband was only a Lieutenant...I found out later my husband had been cheating with a military woman he met in Japan...A woman who later became his second wife, by the way...Regardless of what he'd done, he wanted to report our affair in hopes of getting my lover in trouble with the military...The secret was out all over the base and he told anyone who would listen...But his plan backfired!...Without proof, the accusations were unfounded and my lover's military command decided not to pursue the complaint...When this plan didn't work, he even went as far as finding out who my lover's wife was and contacted her as well...He told her everything he knew about the affair, including the proposal...Turns out, she was no longer living in another state...In fact, she had moved to the island only months prior with their two children, and was living in base housing...Now that my husband was back, I moved out and was staying on base with a friend while I looked for another place to stay...My husband knew where I was staying with my two boys...But what he did next was evil...He was out for blood and needed help to do his dirty work...So to be spiteful, he gave my lover's wife my address and phone number...I will never forget that call!
"Hello!", she said..."The man you're having an affair with is my husband!...We are back together and I want to know what is going on?"...I gasped then replied, "We're just friends...And how did you get my number?...And why in the hell are you calling me?"...Not wanting to get my lover in trouble, I denied all of her questions...It was so awkward, I just hung up on her...I tried to reach my lover, but my calls kept going to voicemail...Little did I know, my lover's wife knew where I was staying...And later that day, there was a knock at my friend's door...She was upstairs and the kids had been playing outside...Thinking one of kids had locked themselves out, I opened the door...There stood a big, black angry woman!...I realized immediately who she was, but by then it was too late...Thanks to my husband, she knew exactly who I was...And I was now face-to-face with the wife of the man I was engaged to marry!...Before I could shut the door, she pulled out her husband's 9mm gun and shot me point blank in my stomach...I fell to the ground in excruciating pain!...There was nothing that could have prepared me for this moment...I had no idea my lover had reunited with his wife...That she was now living in Hawaii...Or that they had gotten a place together...In that moment, my life flashed in front of my eyes...I remember wondering about my kid's safety...But I was too hurt to move...As I bled out on the ground, I could faintly see her feet as she walked back to her car and sped off...All I could remember after that was waking up after surgery, surrounded by my close friends...I was in intensive care and breathing through a tube...Although they were giving me morphine through my IV, the pain was so intense I just wanted to die!...It was a pain I had never experienced...There was a huge scar on my abdomen...I later found out that the doctors had to cut me open and take out part of my intestines to save my life...I was so devastated...
On the Road to Recovery...
I was in the hospital for three months, in and out of consciousness...The road to recovery would be a long one, as I had to heal both physically and emotionally...I couldn't walk and had a colostomy bag...My husband had the kids and wouldn't even bring them to the hospital to see me...My life as I knew it was over...It was like a dream and I felt I had lost everything!...My kids...The man I thought I loved and was going to marry...Where was he?, I thought...Why hasn't he come to see me?...How could he allow this to happen?...I later found out that he had decided to get back with his wife and didn't know how to tell me...It was a decision he regretted, but he felt trapped...She had threatened to keep his kids from him...Although he was extremely unhappy in his marriage, he loved his kids and figured it would be better for his family and career if he stayed with her...After the shooting, she was picked up at the airport and arrested..She is currently serving time for attempted murder and he is now a single dad...I don't know what had possessed her to shoot me that day...I guess knowing that her husband was in love with another woman was more than she could handle...She allowed her emotions to take over and in a split second, she not only ruined my life, but her own...After months in a rehab center, I was well enough to go home...God allowed me to also be able to get my kids back...I got a lawyer and after being faced with the possibility of being charged as an accessory, my husband realized his freedom and military career was more important...The military flew me back to Florida, where I was to receive more rehabilitation and psychiatric therapy for PTSD...I have held this in for years, as it was just too painful to talk about it...But now I'm ready to put my life back together and move on...
"Well, that's why I'm here today!"...I said to my psychiatrist..."So there you have it, Doc!...This is the truth about what happened and the first time I've been able to be speak candidly about the hell I went through in paradise!"....She replied, "I think it's time to forgive yourself, but I think it's also important to be honest with yourself about YOUR role in all of this...What did you learn from this?...Ask yourself, what were the red flags during your relationship with this married man?...Glancing up at the wall clock, she concluded, "Well, that's all the time we have for today...but when you come back next week, let's spend some time talking about that."
